Celebration Of Her Life

Tomorrow makes one year since my aunt had passed away. The months before her death was hard as we all hoped that she would be okay and pull out of it. One minute it was bad, then she woke up and smiled and we all thought that maybe she would be fine. But we all knew she wasn't going to get better. The cancer had gotten worse and seeing her fall apart was the worse thing I had ever seen with my own eyes.

Months earlier, the family was all together at a party. She was there smiling, laughing and joking with everyone. Being herself. I took pictures of her with my dad and my uncle. The 3 of them together. Always smiling and happy when they were all together. Then I had not seen her again, til we got the news that she was sick.

We couldn't understand how this all happened, as none of us knew what was truely wrong. But at the same time, I believe she didn't want to know what was wrong. I think she knew she would get bad news if she went in. But when she did, she was right. She had lung cancer. The minute we found out, my family went to see her. I was somewhere and could not make it out to see her. My parents came home and told me they saw her and that things were okay. But this was before we all knew what was wrong with her, so I was happy. She had come home, only to go back two weeks later. That was the last time she would see her home.

The months were tough. I had gone to see her and the minute I saw her, tears ran out of my eyes like a water facet. I stepped out quickly and held on to my sister as we both cried silently in the other room. My mother would motion to us to stay in the other room. It was bad. She had lost all her hair and she did not look well. I can't explain it all, but the visions will never leave my mind. This would be the first death in my life that would move me inside out, beside my uncle dying of Aids when I was 18 years old. This would open my eyes to knowing that soon my parents would be next. I got home that day and cried in my room. My stomach was upside down and empty, but I kept crying. She wasn't dead yet, but I knew this wouldn't turn around.

She was put under heavy medication because she was in a lot of pain. For weeks I wondered if she would wake up. And the more she was under, the more I regretted not coming out to see her that day when my family went up. I was dying inside. I would never see her again. I would never talk to her again. I didn't know what to do anymore.

One day the phone rang. My mother was on the other end telling me that she was up and talking. I got excited. I rushed out to see her. I walked inside and there she was, laying in bed looking out the window at the sunshine coming in. The image burned in my head as I see this once again a year later. I entered the room and she looked over to me and my dad and her eyes lit up and she smiled. "Hey babe!" She always said Babe. We walked over and gave her a kiss and spent time talking her. She was smiling and happy to see us. But she also knew that when the family came over like that, this was it. We had stayed for a long time, so we had to go. But before I left, I told her that I loved her and she said she loved me. I also said I'd see her later. But of course, she knew we wouldn't. I wonder how she must have felt watching me walk away. That, I'll never know.

And now it is one year later. I still miss her dearly and still hear her calling everyone babe. Tears are still in my eyes. I grew up always seeing her face. But this is life. Our dear ones will all leave us one day and we must all struggle to keep our heads up and move on. It's sad that this is how it is, but that's just life. And now when I see the fire works, to me, that will be a celebration of her life.