The Love Hour

Love. What the hell is love? Is love a lie? Does love really suck? How will I know I'm in love?

All these questions and more on the next LJ Love Hour.
(Que the music...)
Da da daaa, Da da daaa, Be bop be bop!!
(audience claps)
Hello. And yes, this is the LJ Love Hour show. And I'm your host, LJ. In today's show, we'll have two couples who have their OWN definition of love.

Meet James. He's a post office clerk in Ohio with a wife and two kids. He loves his job, but loves his family more. He thinks love is when you wake up in the morning and roll over to see your wife there next to you after 14 years, and you smile like it's the first time you're falling in love.

(Audience: Awwww....)

LJ: Everyone, meet James. (Audience claps and cheers as James walks on stage.)

LJ: Hi James.
James: Hi LJ

LJ: James, when and where did you meet your wife?

James: Well LJ, I met my wife at a car show 14 years ago. She was with another man and I spotted her. Actually, I spotted her cause her man...at "THAT" time, was rubbing her ass. That caught my attention, LJ. (Audience laughs) Then she turned around and our eyes locked. When I saw her baby blues...ooo weee, I was in love! Then I got smacked by my "THEN" girlfriend for staring hard at her.

LJ: So you "HAD" a girlfriend when you first met her?
James: Yes.

LJ: So what happened after that?
James: Well, that same night...(he pauses and looks at his hands) ...that same night I broke up with my "THEN" girlfriend. (Audience: Awww...) Yeah, I did.

LJ: And how did that feel, James?
James: Shoe...I remember feeling like I was free. Like I could taste freedom for the first time after a month.

LJ: You only dated her for a month and you felt tied down?
James: Yes. That was a long time for me to date anyone. I was what you called, a player, LJ.

LJ: Ahhh...OKAY!! Let's meet our next guest. He thinks love is nothing but a waste of time. If you don't have money, you don't have love. You'll find him masturbating at the local park near his neighborhood. Everyone, please meet Bob!!

(Audience claps and boos as Bob walks on stage.)

LJ: Hi Bob.
Bob: Hi LJ. Thanks for having me on your show. (then turns to the audience) Shut up!! You don't know me!!

LJ: So Bob, what's your take on love?
Bob: Well LJ, I don't think love is anything special. I see couples everywhere, kissing, holding hands. But then I also see them with other people. And I say to myself...what kind of love is that?

LJ: What do you mean, Bob? Like they cheat?
Bob: Yeah. I followed this one woman home one time, after she had a date. They were talking and laughing and then, she left after dinner was done ---to another man at her place, LJ.
(audience: ooooo)
LJ: Another man at her place? How did you know there was another man in her place? Were you spying on them?
(audience boos)

Bob: (getting up from his seat) Shut up!! You don't know me!! Shut up!! (he sits back down)
LJ: Okay audience, settle down. Give Bob a chance to speak up. Okay Bob, continue.

Bob: No, I wasn't spying on them. (he pauses) Okay, I was. (audience boos) Okay! I had to spy on her! She was breaking that guy's heart. She let him pay for her dinner and didn't even give him a hug or a kiss. That guy was in love with her!!

LJ: How do you know that the guy was in love with her, Bob?
Bob: You....you could just tell. A guy never opens his wallet unless he's gonna score.
(Audience boos)
LJ: Oh, looks like we have a comment in the audience. Yes?

Woman audience member: You mean to tell me, that if a guy opens his wallet, he better get some?
Bob: No, no...

Male audience member: I think you're the guy that got his heart broken and YOU"RE the peeping Tom! (audience gets loud and claps)

Bob: (he stands up) YOU WANT SOME OF THIS??! YOU WANT IT?!
LJ: Okay, okay. Bob. Okay, okay settle down. Now Bob, could this be the truth? That you're the one that got your heart broken?

Bob: (taking a pause while sitting back in his seat) Yes, LJ. I'm the one that got my heart stepped on. It happens to me all the time. There's no such thing as love. No such thing!

LJ: Bob, could it be that you just haven't met the right person yet?
Bob: Look at me. I'm no Brad Pitt. Angelina wouldn't even spit on me.
LJ: Yes? We have a comment.

Woman audience memeber2: Maybe you should stop stalking women and go to the gym and fix yourself. You look like a slob. (audience claps)

Woman audience member 2: I'd like to make this comment to James. James, if you weren't married, I would marry you in a minute! You're not only sweet, you're FINE! (audience claps and whistles)
Bob: See? He's not all that. But somehow he gets a comment like that. He's nothing.

James: Hey, don't hate the player. Hate the game.
Bob: Whatever. I bet you're married to a fat slob.

Audience: ooooooo

James: What did you say??
LJ: He said you're wife must be a fat slob. James, I wouldn't take that if I were you.

(The bald headed body guard comes on stage and holds back James while Bob runs to the end of the stage. After the body guard calmed James down, Bob returned to his seat. )

LJ: Bob? Bob? Hey, why would you say his wife is fat? Have you seen her? Well, I don't think you have. Let's bring out James's wife, Allison!!

(A tall woman walks out on stage and the audience whistles and claps. A blond with long hair, blues eyes and a body like the cartoon character in Roger rabbit walks out. She walks right over to LJ and whispers something into LJ's ear. )

LJ: Oh, we seem to have a problem. James's wife can not come out right now. (audience gets confused)
Bob: HA! I knew she wasn't your wife.
James's mouth was wide open as he checks out the girl's ass on her way off the stage.

LJ: James' wife had an emergency. She should be out shortly.
James: What was it?

LJ: Oh, she's just got a bad case of the runs. James's wife will be out - Oh! Here she is. James's wife, Allison!!

(Allison walks out. A midget, she walks right over to James while James kneels down to her level. They give each other a big kiss and he picks her up and puts her in the chair next to his. )

LJ: Allison, how are you?
Allison: Hi LJ. I'm fine, thank you.
LJ: Allison, how long have you been in love with this man?

Allison: Oh LJ, I've been in love with him for 3 years now.
LJ, James, Audience: What?

LJ: James just said earlier that he's loved you for 14 years. What's the real story here?
Bob: The real story, LJ, is that she's been with someone else all these years.
Audience: ooooo...

James: What the hello are you talking about? Shut up, Bob!
Bob: Make me, you midget lover!
Audience: oooo...

LJ: Bob, midgets are people too. Okay, we have another guest waiting to come out. Please give a warm welcome to Sassy!!

(A chunky red head at 5'3 in height, comes out. She walks over to Bob and sits in the chair next to him. Meanwhile half of the audience boos and the other claps.)

Sassy: (to the audience) You want some of this right?! Yeah!
(entire audience boos in disgust)

LJ: Sassy, tell me about your relationship with Bob.
Sassy: Well, LJ, I met bob......ummm I don't know when or where, but he doesn't treat me right and thinks love is nothing but a whore.

Audience: ooooo.

Bob: I just don't believe in love. Love is for suckers. You're gonna get sucked real good and it ain't no "Bleeeeeep Bleep" job either.

(Audience starts to laugh and fuss)

LJ: Bob, we can't curse on the air.
Bob: Sorry LJ, but it's the truth. This girl sucked me dry!
Sassy: OH THAT'S BULL *BLEEP .* YOU CAN'T EVEN GET IT UP!

Audience: oooo

Bob: What? Well if you weren't so god dam *BLEEEEP* ugly, I wouldn't have to put a pillow over your face!
Audience: ooooo

LJ: James, tell us about your love life.
James: LJ, I've been looking at my woman here and I can't believe she only loved me for 3 years. I outta slap this cornbread making BLEEEEP!
Audience: OOO!!

Allison: What?!
LJ: James! Where has all the love gone, James?

Sassy: Bob, you suck so bad, you're mother didn't even want to breast feed you.

Audience: OOO!!

LJ: Wait a minute! Whose getting breast fed? Bob, are you still getting breast fed now at 39?
Bob: LJ, that's *BLEEEEEP* not true.

James: That explains why you're such loser!
Bob: Well at least I don't have to put my midget on the frig to get some!
Audience:OOOO!!

LJ: And that's our show for today. Tune in tomorrow when we have double life leeding men and their gerbals. Good night everyone!!

Da da daaa, Da da daaa, Be bop be bop!!


NEXT UP: Sabrina the teenage bitch.